Materialism - My new thing!

I fell in love - right then and there, with one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. It was in Sicily, on a sunny day in late April, and I remember the feeling when I had to leave, alone, and slightly heartbroken. And very surprised, when I came to think of the whole situation.

My new love was a bag from Desigual, and to be honest, I didn't actually leave the store empty handed, and in particular not alone. With me I had a dress and a skirt from the same shop, a bag full of new make-up from across the street, and other purchases of the day. Furthermore, I was with some of my very best friends in the whole wide world - my European family, whom are usually the target of my primary expenditures, with significant amounts spent on traveling. As I feel like it should be.

And that is just the thing... I tend to not be very materialistic, I can hardly imagine ever spending more than 100€ on anything for my wardrobe, and things in general tend to mean little to me. I have few things, which I would suffer from losing, and that rather of practical reasons than of love to the thing itself.

But with the love for this bag, I suddenly noticed a change in my behavior over the recent years. Shoes, gadgets, and stuff in general means a lot more to me than ever before. Its even so that I feel like my life priorities are shifting from choosing experiences and adventures towards getting more stuff! SCARY!

In fact, my current desire to buy a new bike is split between two purposes: 1) The love for biking, soaring through the landscape, getting from A to B in a quick, environmentally and health-friendly way, and 2) THE LOVE FOR THE BIKE ITSELF, which is something I have only experienced rarely in my past.

Does this mean that I am becoming more materialistic? I guess it is the quintessential meaning of the word. And I don't like it.

Note that I don't mean materialistic in a political sense; rather, its a question about priorities and focus. I'm starting to think: Would I rather go to *some* event or buy this or that? For the money I am planning to spend on my next trip, should I instead buy *something*? Of course it is reasonable to consider the financial options before spending a lot of money, but I'd rather think back on a life full of experiences than on a life full of things!

Thinking about this for some weeks now, I have come to the realisation that the fear of stuff comes from a desire to remain free and flexible. This will sound overly philosophical, but anyway: While I can bring my memories everywhere, I feel like the things I own are somehow tying me down. They limit my flexibility, my mobility.

I guess its a zen-thing, being free from "earthly belongings". And an immaturity thing - conclusion becoming that I am scared of settling down and being tied to one place with all my stuff. Hmm... Once again I'm in a situation where my values and priorities are put to the test. Incredible, what a bag can do to you, huh?

Slippery slope? Who knows. I don't wanna be materialistic, but this bag makes me happy... And I've gotta have it!!


("My precioussssss..."!!)

A perfect Easter

This time I went abroad without a specific purpose. Well, besides having a good time of course, but I suppose thats a general wish for trips (and for staying at home, for that matter). Lately, I have been searching for clarity, however, and maybe there was also an "unthought wish" that this trip could clear things up a bit. With the itinerary as it was, opportunities were open.

Frankly, I don't recall ever having a trip as unplanned as this. Fly to Venice Wednesday, stay there for a bit, be picked up by Riky Friday, and then go to Ljubljana. Fly back from Venice Tuesday again. Staying where, doing what? Doesn't matter. It was the company that was important. I'll describe the highlights:

It was raining throughout the trip. Every day, every hour, and while it was a bit annoying at times, now I don't really feel like it had any major impact on the quality of the trip. Venice was nice, obviously more wet than usual - it was the rain, though, that suddenly gave me a bit of resurrection, to use a big word. I know how to get the best out of a rainy day, and dressed in rain pants and jacket, boots, and with an umbrella, the rain was not stopping my tour of Venice. Silly as it sounds, that situation just made me feel fantastic - on top of the situation, capable... Strong and happy. :)

Austin, Ivana, and Riky with the
Ljubljana Castle in the background.

Another clarity moment was when I got into Riky's car, and we set out for Ljubljana. It was an amazing feeling - sitting there, with someone I had been looking so much forward to seeing, with no worries, just on an adventure. Shaping life as you want it, not just going with a boring flow. Wow! It was a bubbly, childish happiness somehow, carefree and energizing.

The next couple of days we spent with Austin and Ivana, and while I was suffering from a cold, I could have imagined no better place in the world to be. Well, besides the rain, but who really cares when there is a fireplace, warm tea, delicious food, and the best company? We spent the evenings out and Sunday afternoon driving through the beautiful Slovenian nature. These days were so unbelievingly relaxing... We slept there for just two nights, but I felt like I had been on at least a week of vacation when I left the flat Sunday afternoon.

I went to meet with Borut, and considering my lack of voice due to the cold, that was a wise choice: That man has so much to say, and I loved listening for an hour or so over a cappuccino in the top of the  "Skyscraper", with a view of Ljubljana. It was really a pleasure to see someone speak so passionately of what they do, obviously reminding me that my own work situation needs to change.

Amra was the next person on my list, conveniently working in the Ljubljana Castle history museum. Excellent chance to learn more about the background of Slovenia while spending some time with a good friend! We had dinner, then Ina the flatmate made pancakes, and I crashed on the couch and pretty much slept for 12 hours - exhausted from coughing. Back at the castle Monday, I had a private tour of post-WW2 Slovenian history, which gave me a useful understanding of the current culture. :)

Next, I met with Miha in the center, and he took me to his favorite pub-ish place by the river. They had this amazingly thick hot chocolate, which I have only found in Balkan countries - uhm! And again, I realised that I was sitting across from a man who has found his true calling. To see Miha talk about his work was very inspiring - it was like his expression changed when he described what he does, with a lot of passion shining subtly, yet clearly, from him. A completely different kind of person from Borut, they however both gave me the same feeling of desire to find something like that for myself.

Miha left me with an advice: "Stop worrying. Relax, you will find your place." So the rest of the evening I spent utterly carefree with a girl whom has come to mean a lot to me the last couple of years - Jasna. We had a delicious dinner and then went to a café for amazing cakes and cappuccinos, and then strolled through the rain to my couch of the night at Demjan's place.

On the way back to Venice airport, ridiculously early the next (snowy!!) morning, I reflected on the trip. It had been perfect. 6 nights in total only, but it felt like so much had happened, I met with so many and seen so much! A lot of new motivation to go home and then forward - energized and filled with love and a rare sense of clarity. Finally.

Thesis stress sets one's values straight!

Luckily for my thesis / unfortunately for my blog I have spent a lot of time the past weeks getting the report into proper frames before deadline 30th September... Sigh. This brings me straight to the topic of choice for tonight. Thesis stress.

Though as you know I prefer not to use the word "stress", just like I try to use "challenge" instead of "problem". So lets say that I am just under a bit of pressure these days, finishing my thesis. This is a situation, which indeed sets one's priorities straight!

Personal priorities and values are concepts I have been continuously faced with during my attempts to get out of the wilderness and onto a clearer path - metaphorically speaking, obviously. I remember when I realised how values can serve as support for decision making - it was in a training session in LSS 2010 with the title "Focus and Time Management", I was delivering it with Wendelien, and I felt somewhat hypocritical trying to help people finding their way in life, when I didn't even know where I was going myself. We managed well though, and I learned a lot myself in that session.

I realised that the foundation of making decisions consists of values. I think its like this... If you have clear goals in life, you can easily identify your priorities, and those can be used for guidance. Without clear goals the priorities can be more foggy, and you need to consider also your values before the priorities stand out, but fear not - it is actually not as complicated as it sounds! :)

So what I did was this: Look at a list of values, and identify 10 that are the most important to you. Then sort of the 5 which are your top priorities. Write them down, e.g. on a post-it, and stick it somewhere you are remind often.

The values in this wordle above are among the ones that are most important to me. I have them written down; its not like I carry it around with me, but I like to look at it once in a while, and think things over...

I got to think about the topic of this post when I was considering how I am spending my time now that I am under pressure due to the thesis-writing. What things I feel like I can't move from my calendar; the things that make me less stressed. Those include workout and dinners with my sister, while meetings with friends and parties seem to less important. And actually, now that my deadline is coming closer, I really feel like I am becoming a lot more efficient, and not allowing myself all those procrastinations I used to. Like cleaning the windows, even though they could use it! It feels really good to work in a more focused manner - consistent with the achievement and integrity in the wordle, since I believe in dedication to a task! :)

Now I "just" need to figure out how those values can help me along in deciding where I overall want to go with my life... :D Suggestions and thoughts are more than welcome!

Revolutionary Road

I just had the pleasure of watching Revolutionary Road. A story of a couple in the 50'ies America, with dreams that are bigger than what can be satisfied by a mediocre suburban life. They want the same, they have similar dreams, and she is ready to break out of the ordinary - but he is afraid to face the challenge. A typical case of talking the walk, but not walking the talk.

It made me think... What would I do? Its one of those movies where most people would probably identify themselves with the female lead, who has enough courage to follow her dreams, but really... Honestly - is that what we do? Or do we take the safe road, which will prevent us from fulfilling our true desires? Two thoughts on this...

One: What are MY true desires?

Truth is, I don't know. Truth is also that I have been thinking about this for quite a while, without being able to formulate anything that makes sense.

"Oh, you're graduating soon, then what do you want to do?!" I don't know.

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?" I don't know.

"Where do you wanna go with your life, how will YOU make a difference, WHAT IS YOU BIGGEST DREAM?!" I DON'T KNOW!!!

... Do I sound frustrated? Well, I am. A bit. But just a bit.

I want to say that it doesn't matter. That it makes no difference to me right now that I don't have a goal to aim for. That it gives me a feeling of freedom to be open to whatever opportunities I might encounter. And that is true. And at the same time, it isn't.

The freedom IS awesome! Because in 2 months I will graduate, and I have the world ahead of me. I am young, naïve, and idealistic enough to believe that I can do whatever I want! And no, it doesn't scare me that I don't know what it is I want, 'cause I am sure some opportunity will turn up - and then nothing prevents me from taking it. I see myself as a little birdie, running towards the edge of a cliff to try if my wings are strong enough to keep me from falling, and tell you what... I have reason to think that they are.

(My greetings goes out to the lady from the Danish Medicines Agency whom in January 2009 in Amsterdam full of antipathy called me "a young, naïve idealist". I have been proud of that ever since, and I hope I will never grow out of that description.)

What however does bother me that tiny bit is the fact that I would be a good deal more efficient in choosing my way in life if I had a notion of what I want to achieve. Im ok with the fact that anything I do is a step towards my goal, whatever it may be, 'cause all experiences will bring me forward. But intentionally pursuing an aim would give another motivation for progress and development, another energy to move forward.

I recognize the motivation from many other elements of my life, say trainings or EPSA. The motivation to improve something, to see the goal and to work towards it, and to celebrate the achievement once we get there. That feeling is awesome. And without goals, there will be no achievements. Or at least they will be random. And randomness is maybe not specifically what I would like as the major driving force in my life.

Two: The "story path" guideline applies

So what do I do now? Its not like I can make up an aim just like that. I guess that is what this blog is about - finding a goal and a way in life. For now, I think I will go with a thought I presented in a speech to a group of friends not so long ago. Its actually very simple:

Choose the paths that lead to the best stories. 

I will upload the speech in another post, and for now let me just briefly explain the idea. It is a combination of different aspects; the freedom to choose and the lack of goals, the desire to explore the world and to experience something that is worth telling others. And worth reliving in memories. This is how I am currently making decisions, 'cause let me tell you, it is not always easy to be ambitious and yet lacking goals in life!

This is at least a guideline, and I guess in some way also an aim. To have good stories to tell.