Overcoming fear I - Tuning in

Do you ever have one of those days where reality is intimidating? Where you realise your insignificance in comparison with the potential of your surroundings, and it feels like your place in the world is constrained to a bare minimum in order to fit everybody else?

I have a moment like that right now.

Its not surprising, as I have been talking with a lot of people lately about happiness, dreams, and opportunities, that multiply as we take them. I have explicitly expressed the ability people have to create their own happiness, but that realisation comes with high expectations and pressure. At least if you want to be happy. And who doesn't.

So see where it has taken me on this slightly paranoid day... At a turning point in my life, in the midst of a quarterlife crisis, trying to figure out what it is I want to achieve in this world, however feeling more like just burrowing myself in my bed or another safe place. Well, that's not gonna get me very far, now is it...

Of course this triggers my rational curiosity. Why on Earth... (observing myself with a slightly disapproving, however also compassionate smile - self-assessment time!) Where does this come from? Why do I feel like the world is beyond me?

I want to write that it comes down to fear. Fear of failure. But I don't want to jump to conclusions, so let's see if I can talk myself through this.

I must admit that I am writing about some things here, which are quite sensitive to me, and I can feel how all my internal defense mechanisms have been activated. Like there is something hidden that my unconscious mind would prefer to keep that way. But, dear subconsciousness, how can I develop myself if I cannot even realise what the true limitation is? How can I calm the screaming voice in my gut if I cant hear what she is saying? OK, so, tuning in.. (Gee!)

"What if I can't do it?" - Do what?! Still I'm not even aware of what exactly I want to do, so wouldn't it be reasonable to figure that out first?

"But what if admitting my dreams makes me realise that me can't ever achieve them? I would be unhappy forever!" - Hmm, might be, but not knowing what I really want kinda leaves me in a weak position to reach it, don't you think?

(Still super tense.)

"It would be so embarrassing and humiliating to fail..." - Really, thats a factor? What other people think? "More towards myself. I'm not sure I could take the defeat." - Not trying is the only way to defeat. Failure is a step on the way to success. "Bullshit."


Ok, detour needed. This is gonna take some persuasion...

To be continued.

The Elegance of the Hedgehog

It is beyond me to describe in any way the magnificence of the novel "The elegance of the hedgehog" by Muriel Barbery. The book was present I got from Alexandra with the encouragement: "You will LOVE this one!" So true. The beautiful, intriguing, and at some points absurd and sarcastic, tone with which the clever story is written is different from any book that I have ever read.

Instead of giving you any sort of resumé or interpretation of the story, I will instead highlight some passages, which have specifically caught my appreciation. They link together nicely with my previous blog posts about perfection.

Here, underlining how perfection arises in a vacuum moment:
"In a split second of eternity, everything is changed, transfigured. A few bars of music, rising from an unfamiliar place, a touch of perfection in the flow of human dealings--I lean my head slowly to one side, reflect on the camellia on the moss on the temple, reflect on a cup of tea, while outside the wind is rustling foliage, the forward rush of life is crystalized in a brilliant jewel of a moment that knows neither projects nor future, human destiny is rescued from the pale succession of days, glows with light at last and, surpassing time, warms my tranquil heart." (p. 102)

And liked with this, the ability to appreciate beauty:
"We all have a knowledge of harmony, anchored deep within. it is this knowledge that enables us, at every instant, to apprehend quality in our lives and, on the rare occasions when everything is in perfect harmony, to appreciate it with the apposite intensity. And I am not referring to the sort of beauty that is the exclusive preserve of Art. Those who feel inspired, as I do, by the greatness of small things will pursue them too the very heart of the inessential where, cloaked in everyday attire this greatness will emerge from within a certain ordering of ordinary things and from the certainty that all is as it should be, the conviction that it is fine this way." (p. 160-161)


"... this is the simple consequence of the specific neuronal wiring that distinguishes us from other animals; by allowing us to survive, the efficiency of intelligence also offers us the possibility of complexity without foundation, thought without usefulness, and beauty without purpose.! (p. 245)

Pointing out the importance of living now:
“Just by observing the adults around me I understood very early on that life goes by in no time at all, yet they're always in such a hurry, so stressed out by deadlines, so eager for now that they needn't think about tomorrow...But if you dread tomorrow, it's because you don't know how to build the present, and when you don't know how to build the present, you tell yourself you can deal with it tomorrow, and it's a lost cause anyway because tomorrow always ends up becoming today, don't you see?

So we mustn't forget any of this, absolutely not. We have to live with the certainty that we'll get old and that it won't look nice or be good or feel happy. And tell ourselves that it's now that matters: to build something now at any price using all our strength. Always remember that there's a retirement home waiting somewhere and so we have to surpass ourselves every day, make every day undying. Climb our own personal Everest and do it in such a way that every step is a little bit of eternity. That's what the future is for: to build the present with real plans made by living people.” (p. 124-125)


About assumptions and the way we perceive others:
“We never look beyond our assumptions and what's worse, we have given up trying to meet others; we just meet ourselves. We don’t recognise each other because other people have become our permanent mirrors. If we were to become aware of the fact that we are only ever looking at ourselves in the other person, that we are alone in the wilderness, we would go crazy. (...) As for me, I implore fate to give me the chance to see beyond myself and truly meet someone." (p. 141)