Yes, everything happens for a reason.

The question of whether "everything happens for a reason" is one that has come up in discussions regularly. Not just in my life, but through all times, I suppose. Today I got another view on it, while walking with Sanne...

If you believe in a creator, who lays out our paths, then the question/cliché/belief/motto makes sense: You'd trust that even bad things happening to you would be decided by a higher power, in order to bring you forward, even if at the moment you don't understand why or how. Call it destiny if you will - in any case, one somewhat accepts the intervention of a higher power with a purpose.

This model doesn't work for me. Even if I have an agnostic approach to life, I do not believe in God, destiny, intelligent creation etc. (But I do believe in energy flows - maybe I will come back to that later.) Anyway, I have a usual answer to people flinging the "everything happens for a reason" into a conversation at more or less appropriate times (often for comfort if something bad has happened). I usually respond that I disagree, but that you can always get the best out of the situation. I.e. even if it is not your fault what has happened, you can still try to take back control, and shape the situation as good as you can.

Beware that you might have to look over your shoulder to see it! 

But, I must admit, that maybe my reply has been too narrow. I can now see other perspectives as well: Yes, there is a reason why everything happens. Like a cause-and-effect kind of reason. Circumstances made this happened - you see what I mean? So it's a backward-facing reason why things happen, not forward-facing, destiny style. And if you can figure out WHY things happened, i.e. what the reason was for something happening, then you can use THAT to get the best out of the situation.

Maybe an example will be useful: You have a passion, around which you create a project. You work on this for months, and apply for a grant, which can make or break your success with this project. But you don't get it. You're very disappointed! You think "everything happens for a reason", and
     a) apathically trust that your destiny will take you to a better place.
     b) trust that this was for a greater good, the project wasn't meant to be, and try to put it behind you,          leaving the pieces, and move forward in another direction.
     c) accept that you can't control all matters, you pick up the pieces and, looking forward, consider            what would be the best way to go from here
     d) look backwards to understand WHY it didn't happen. What can you learn from this, which can            be used to bring you forward?

I hope that a) doesn't happen all too often. But I think that b) is quite a common reaction, despite the fact that this is also a way of giving up. c) is reasonable in many situations, especially where you really did not have any influence on the circumstances, but d) seems to me like the most conscious way of reacting.

Yeah, I am over analyzing a little bit, but I think this is an interesting perspective to a common cliché. Usually I would place myself in c), but sometimes I even pull a b). And from now on, definitely more d)'s!

So. Next time someone flings the cliché at me, I will be reminded to take another look over my shoulder before I move on, heedlessly into my future. And I will thank her.

2 little stories

Lies is right, of course - writing just a little bit is better than nothing. Even when it is just a thought or doubt, an experience, an idea, or a story. Today I've got two little stories to tell.

As I was going home from a meeting the other night, I was on my roller skates on the bike path. As it usually happens, bikes passing me just ring their bell, and I move to the side, so they can easily pass. One guy surprised me though - not with the bell, but by saying "thank you!" as he passed me. I couldn't help smiling - it was so unnecessary to say anything, yet somehow it felt good to be politely greeted there, on the road, as the day came to an end. As I was catching up on him at the next traffic light, I thought I would thank him back, for passing easily and for making me smile. However, he moved on before I could reach him. I will remember to genuinely greet and thank people as often as possible. :)

So as I was greeting the homeless man with the cowboy hat who is selling magazines outside my supermarket, he was smiled somewhat stiffly. Then, as he pointed to his teeth, I realised he wanted me to pay some special attention, so I can a little closer, smiling back at him. Queitly he said "... new teeth..." and smiled a liiitle more, so that I could see his flawless new set of teeth. He was so happy and proud, that was easy to tell - the smile reached all the way up to his eyes! We agreed that we could now both smile to the world, and then I went home, with a warm and grateful feeling.

Age and synergy

Age doesn't matter, career wise. We both know this is true, and that it isn't. WE don't care about age. But we cannot ignore the fact that it matters to our surroundings. And THAT we can only ignore to a certain degree.

We need to make time pass. Just to become older. But we cannot waste time, we are incapable of wasting time, yet we need to be older to do what we want to do. You know I stumble upon paradoxes in everything, and this is a paradox: We will always be ahead. Wasting time means exploring, engaging, experiencing - discovering, developing... Stepping forward. Ahead.

But why are you in such a rush? Where is it you're going?

Maybe I'm just mirroring myself in you. Maybe I fear loosing my own identity, seeing my abilities drown in yours. My identity overshadowed. At the same time I need and hate your governance. Ooooooh... How could I miss this... How could I miss this?! Such irony. It's about synergy.

Realising your recognition boosts me into not needing it. Striving for and receiving acknowledgement sets me free from the limitation it is to seek approval before believing for real.

The same about age. Just forget about it - you do right in ignoring. Trust builds on confidence, and it's abilities that matter. No... Not abilities. Belief. Yours and theirs. Mine. Abilities are secondary. Confidence will lead to trust. A tall house needs a strong foundation.

You're a brick in my foundation. With confidence, I become a brick in yours - you already consider me as such. Not seeing this is what makes me feel governed. But in fact, we are equal. We can fully benefit when I realise that my foundation is strong enough without you. Now I see that I can bring you higher as well. That is true synergy.

Its about 1+1 being either 1.5, 2, or 3. About internal integrity. Not about interdependency for existence, but for reaching full potentials. And its exactly the same with the professions.

Materialism - My new thing!

I fell in love - right then and there, with one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. It was in Sicily, on a sunny day in late April, and I remember the feeling when I had to leave, alone, and slightly heartbroken. And very surprised, when I came to think of the whole situation.

My new love was a bag from Desigual, and to be honest, I didn't actually leave the store empty handed, and in particular not alone. With me I had a dress and a skirt from the same shop, a bag full of new make-up from across the street, and other purchases of the day. Furthermore, I was with some of my very best friends in the whole wide world - my European family, whom are usually the target of my primary expenditures, with significant amounts spent on traveling. As I feel like it should be.

And that is just the thing... I tend to not be very materialistic, I can hardly imagine ever spending more than 100€ on anything for my wardrobe, and things in general tend to mean little to me. I have few things, which I would suffer from losing, and that rather of practical reasons than of love to the thing itself.

But with the love for this bag, I suddenly noticed a change in my behavior over the recent years. Shoes, gadgets, and stuff in general means a lot more to me than ever before. Its even so that I feel like my life priorities are shifting from choosing experiences and adventures towards getting more stuff! SCARY!

In fact, my current desire to buy a new bike is split between two purposes: 1) The love for biking, soaring through the landscape, getting from A to B in a quick, environmentally and health-friendly way, and 2) THE LOVE FOR THE BIKE ITSELF, which is something I have only experienced rarely in my past.

Does this mean that I am becoming more materialistic? I guess it is the quintessential meaning of the word. And I don't like it.

Note that I don't mean materialistic in a political sense; rather, its a question about priorities and focus. I'm starting to think: Would I rather go to *some* event or buy this or that? For the money I am planning to spend on my next trip, should I instead buy *something*? Of course it is reasonable to consider the financial options before spending a lot of money, but I'd rather think back on a life full of experiences than on a life full of things!

Thinking about this for some weeks now, I have come to the realisation that the fear of stuff comes from a desire to remain free and flexible. This will sound overly philosophical, but anyway: While I can bring my memories everywhere, I feel like the things I own are somehow tying me down. They limit my flexibility, my mobility.

I guess its a zen-thing, being free from "earthly belongings". And an immaturity thing - conclusion becoming that I am scared of settling down and being tied to one place with all my stuff. Hmm... Once again I'm in a situation where my values and priorities are put to the test. Incredible, what a bag can do to you, huh?

Slippery slope? Who knows. I don't wanna be materialistic, but this bag makes me happy... And I've gotta have it!!


("My precioussssss..."!!)

A perfect Easter

This time I went abroad without a specific purpose. Well, besides having a good time of course, but I suppose thats a general wish for trips (and for staying at home, for that matter). Lately, I have been searching for clarity, however, and maybe there was also an "unthought wish" that this trip could clear things up a bit. With the itinerary as it was, opportunities were open.

Frankly, I don't recall ever having a trip as unplanned as this. Fly to Venice Wednesday, stay there for a bit, be picked up by Riky Friday, and then go to Ljubljana. Fly back from Venice Tuesday again. Staying where, doing what? Doesn't matter. It was the company that was important. I'll describe the highlights:

It was raining throughout the trip. Every day, every hour, and while it was a bit annoying at times, now I don't really feel like it had any major impact on the quality of the trip. Venice was nice, obviously more wet than usual - it was the rain, though, that suddenly gave me a bit of resurrection, to use a big word. I know how to get the best out of a rainy day, and dressed in rain pants and jacket, boots, and with an umbrella, the rain was not stopping my tour of Venice. Silly as it sounds, that situation just made me feel fantastic - on top of the situation, capable... Strong and happy. :)

Austin, Ivana, and Riky with the
Ljubljana Castle in the background.

Another clarity moment was when I got into Riky's car, and we set out for Ljubljana. It was an amazing feeling - sitting there, with someone I had been looking so much forward to seeing, with no worries, just on an adventure. Shaping life as you want it, not just going with a boring flow. Wow! It was a bubbly, childish happiness somehow, carefree and energizing.

The next couple of days we spent with Austin and Ivana, and while I was suffering from a cold, I could have imagined no better place in the world to be. Well, besides the rain, but who really cares when there is a fireplace, warm tea, delicious food, and the best company? We spent the evenings out and Sunday afternoon driving through the beautiful Slovenian nature. These days were so unbelievingly relaxing... We slept there for just two nights, but I felt like I had been on at least a week of vacation when I left the flat Sunday afternoon.

I went to meet with Borut, and considering my lack of voice due to the cold, that was a wise choice: That man has so much to say, and I loved listening for an hour or so over a cappuccino in the top of the  "Skyscraper", with a view of Ljubljana. It was really a pleasure to see someone speak so passionately of what they do, obviously reminding me that my own work situation needs to change.

Amra was the next person on my list, conveniently working in the Ljubljana Castle history museum. Excellent chance to learn more about the background of Slovenia while spending some time with a good friend! We had dinner, then Ina the flatmate made pancakes, and I crashed on the couch and pretty much slept for 12 hours - exhausted from coughing. Back at the castle Monday, I had a private tour of post-WW2 Slovenian history, which gave me a useful understanding of the current culture. :)

Next, I met with Miha in the center, and he took me to his favorite pub-ish place by the river. They had this amazingly thick hot chocolate, which I have only found in Balkan countries - uhm! And again, I realised that I was sitting across from a man who has found his true calling. To see Miha talk about his work was very inspiring - it was like his expression changed when he described what he does, with a lot of passion shining subtly, yet clearly, from him. A completely different kind of person from Borut, they however both gave me the same feeling of desire to find something like that for myself.

Miha left me with an advice: "Stop worrying. Relax, you will find your place." So the rest of the evening I spent utterly carefree with a girl whom has come to mean a lot to me the last couple of years - Jasna. We had a delicious dinner and then went to a café for amazing cakes and cappuccinos, and then strolled through the rain to my couch of the night at Demjan's place.

On the way back to Venice airport, ridiculously early the next (snowy!!) morning, I reflected on the trip. It had been perfect. 6 nights in total only, but it felt like so much had happened, I met with so many and seen so much! A lot of new motivation to go home and then forward - energized and filled with love and a rare sense of clarity. Finally.

When taste motivates

Once in a while we get a taste of something sweet, something utterly delicious - and we want more. The taste might be the knowledge of a job, which would be perfect, or a potential partner, who could rock the world, or something else, which we realise could be amazing to have. 

But we get just a taste. 

Those windows serve as inspiration for dreams, at least for me. They make me realise what I want with or in my life (which as you know is otherwise a sore spot for me). A taste that makes me light up, makes my heart beat, makes me dream of what might be - those are the moments I'm talking about!

But they can be volatile, such moments.  

I can feel that I have different options for handling them. One is to be disappointed and resign from the pursuit of something similar, thinking "there will never be anything as good as..." or "I never get what I want". This is the side of me that is afraid to dream, 'cause what if I will never be able to make my dreams come true? I would be unhappy forever!!

Then there is the more optimistic side of me, which (luckily!) is the predominant. This side uses the taste as motivation, remembers the taste, and keeps looking for it. The world is HUGE, there is FOR SURE something or someone else out there to give you the same satisfaction. 

It might feel like a loss, being deprived of the taste, but really it is a gain - an opportunity to realise how you can improve what you currently have. It makes you realise what it is you're looking for. It reminds you not to settle for less. 

Every little universe

With Aja on a train station somewhere in Holland. In May, on a warm spring day, after sharing ideas and dreams for a while. When her train took off, I was left with a feeling of how the sphere of her universe was moving away from mine. Like each of our universe spheres had been overlapping for a while, but where now no longer touching. Drifting apart in time and space.

Looking around, I saw other people's universes. Their personal spheres, like bubbles around their bodies. Some overlapping, but most of them drifting along the train tracks on their own - probably on their way somewhere, to meet with other spheres.

So many different worlds. Different lives. One life in each universe. When coinciding, sharing a place in time and space, sharing experiences, words, and maybe feelings. But still, in their individuality, so diverse, despite their similarities.

All those universes... Walking in the park, seeing people - acknowledging the existence of their spheres. Behind the walls of an apartment building, so many little worlds.  So near, yet so distant and unknown. All those lives, maybe similar to my own, but maybe not, and I will never know. Only some of them. Only those of whom my personal universe bubble will happen to overlap. Somewhere in the matrix of time and space.